Late Night Thoughts
by thechosenone305
Summary: Sam wanted to blame his lack of sleep on the noise going on outside. But really, it wasn't that. The trains going off in the distance was a good amount of blocks from the motel. The cars didn't make much noise. The bar across the street was close long ago, being a weeknight after all. It was 2 in the morning in another small town, USA and yet again, Sam Winchester couldn't sleep.


**A/N: I was having a feelings jam last night. I decided to fic it. Sam does some soul searching and thinking. Set in early season 8, after Dean comes back. Mentions of earlier seasons. A whole lot. Canon divergence. Destiel if you squint. **

**I don't own Supernatural. Enjoy!**

…

Sam wanted to blame his lack of sleep that night on the noise going on outside. But really, it wasn't that. The trains going off in the distance was a good amount of blocks from the motel. The cars didn't make that much noise, occasionally driving by. Bars were long closed in the early evening in this town, being a weeknight after all.

It was 2 in the morning in another small town, USA and yet again, Sam Winchester couldn't sleep.

He considered going for the sleeping pills in his bag. But even with that, he was exhausted. He was too tired to even stand up and go get one. His phone was charging next to him. He could always listen to music but his headphones were in his bag as well, sitting on the couch on the opposite side of the room.

He didn't want to slip out. He was still tired and Dean was asleep in the bed next to him, his hair still a little bit damp from the shower.

He sighed, rubbing his eyes. He really wished he could sleep. Because if he didn't, he'd just stay up thinking about the past. He'd eventually end up getting too deep into it, maybe furthering him into a bad mood.

He took in the surroundings around him. Same old motel room in a tired old small town. They always looked the same to him. Two beds, maybe a couch. A TV, a small table, and a small sink with a tiny bathroom.

What was the point? Their hunt was finished here. Salt and burn, vengeful ghost. Nothing too big of a deal. Come around next week, they'll both be in another small town, USA, checking into a near replica of the previous motel rooms they've been in. Ganking monsters, saving people. Posing as feds and interviewing witnesses.

It was the way Sam Winchester lived his life with his brother. And sure, while he wasn't fond of the parts where he got slammed against the wall, having to get used to the unpleasant presence of death, he guessed that it wasn't that bad. He helped people. He was still alive. So was Dean. And even though Dean said that Cas was left behind in Purgatory, Sam still felt that Cas was alive.

But really, he could make do without fearing that he or his brother were going to die completely. The times Sam had seen that happen to Dean or Cas were once too many. Especially recently since Dean returned from Purgatory.

Years ago, Sam would have never guessed than an angel, of all the beings in existence, would be on their side. An angel pulling Dean out of Hell. And eventually, he would be helping them, being part of their lives. He would rebel against Heaven by siding with Humanity.

Cas really was family. But like both Sam and Dean, Cas protected the friends he had. They had that in common. He was a good person.

And even though Dean will never admit it out loud, Cas was one of the best things to have happened to them so far. Dean could roll his eyes all he wanted but nothing could hide the smile he had around Cas when the angel wasn't looking.

The people Sam deemed himself closest to all saw the goodness in him, as he did in return. He had friends who he trusted and loved, as they did in return. He had family. Given, a small family but still a family.

And after years of thinking about it, he knew that they were here to stay, because, well, he had gone down one nasty road. It was something he wasn't, and will never be, proud of. Demon blood, Hell, Ruby, starting the Apocalypse, Lucifer, not having a soul.

Yet…Cas and Dean still remained. Dean had pulled Sam out of trouble plenty of times. Castiel sacrificed his sanity to help Sam get rid of his memories in Hell.

Even when he had demon blood pumping through his veins, his family still remained.

And they have lost so many over time. Bobby, Jo, Ellen, Ash, Jess.

Jess. He still thought about her. Given, not as frequently as he used to before, but she would come across his mind every now and then. Same went for all his other Stanford classmates and professors. He wondered how they were doing now, if they were even alive.

Even when they were both in Purgatory, Sam still felt like they would return. They always did.

Dean did come back, without Cas. And Sam could tell that it was tearing him apart little by little, not being able to pull out Cas.

He just hoped that the little peace he had wasn't going to get snatched from him anytime soon. It had happened with Amelia, but he had to let go of her before it got bad. He saw how it had gone with Dean and Lisa.

Hunters could never live the apple pie life. It was too much of a risk. Too many things that went bump in the dark had a personal vendetta against them, let it be by killing one of their monster friends or by simply because they were a hunter.

Bad luck of the hunter. Sam knew the effects all too well. He and his brother were the aftermath of that. It had happened to their mom and dad, apple pie life being torn apart.

He still couldn't believe he had met his mom. Given, she doesn't remember him but still. He had met his mom and dad before they were born.

People around his age right now would have a job, a real job with a desk. If he had stayed in Stanford, he could have been working as an attorney. He could've been living an apple pie life, maybe with a pet dog. Maybe he'd had the guys over on the weekends for watching football.

But then again, if he hadn't gone with Dean that night to search for their dad, what would have happened to the many people they have saved? They would have died. The apocalypse would've caught up with him at one point and maybe, his apple pie life happiness would have been torn apart.

Sam may have caused the Apocalypse, but he still managed to end it.

Sam sighed, feeling the all too familiar exhaustion still remaining. Dean still slept, no bottle of liquor next to him. That brought Sam some comfort.

He still didn't talk about his time in Purgatory. Dean was tightlipped when the subject came up. Yet his posture still remained on edge. He was still on his toes majority of the time, having to get used to being alert. Yet even through Dean's exterior, it was his mood and looks that gave it away. The feeling of sadness. It reminded Sam of the time Cas died, and all that was left was his trenchcoat.

Sam missed Cas. He really did. But with Dean, he was heartbroken about Cas being in Purgatory still.

Sam felt that Cas was alive. They've had the world against them plenty of times before, coming into hand with Fate, God, even the Devil himself, yet he always showed. He always came back. He always came back to humanity, to Dean, to Sam.

Sam pulled the covers around him closer, trying to keep warm. Dean still slept next to him.

Knowing Dean, he would probably let Sam sleep on the way to another motel. Maybe to another hunt. Maybe Sam would do it like when they were kids, sleeping in the backseat. The Impala was more of a home than it was a car. It had seen a lot, been through a lot.

And well, it wasn't that all that bad. Given, they've all gone through some really bad shit, but he could live. He still had a future ahead of him.

Maybe, just maybe, the peace he wanted would be here soon. The peace of not having a looming threat over their heads. And now that his brother was alive, he was a few steps closer to getting that. And maybe Cas was alive, somewhere out there, looking for them.

Closing his eyes, Sam finally fell asleep.

…

**A/N: Well, would you look at that? My feelings are still a mess. I really gave up on the title. Well, thank you for reading! Feedback would be great. :) I'm really proud of how this one turned out. **


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